people are so fickle....

isn't anyone for real anymore?

just tie the rope and kick the chair, leave me hangin there

*thanks for making me a fighter*

have come to some conclusions that have left me strangely empowered but badly in need of some catharsis.  so here goes...

I’ve carried around so much hatred for you for so long.  So much that it scared me—I had no idea that a human being, least of all me, had the capacity to hate so much.  I used to wish such horrible things upon you…But all of the time that I wasted worrying about you made me realize that life is too short to be angry or bitter.  Up until now, I have used you as a scapegoat for all of my problems...

However, it may have taken me an entire year to get this far, but i have finally decided that not only do i forgive you, but am sincerely greatful for everything that you've put me through.  And i know it's terribly cliche, but there is a difference between repeating a tortured cliche and finally honestly and completely believing it.  So, from the bottom of my heart, i want to thank you because......

All the times you made me feel like you were doing me a favor by loving me because no one else will made me realize that I’d rather have no one than settle for someone just because they seem to be the only one to care. 

When you completely bailed on me and left me stranded when I needed you most just to spare yourself some pain, I realized that I will never waste my time on someone with no spine. 

Because of your utter inability to fight for me I will never settle for anyone less than someone who will.

You took enjoyment out of manipulating my emotions—it boosted your ego that you could—now I know that no one will ever have that power over me again. 

I never knew where I stood with you, I worried from day to day how you would treat me—now I know that I will never live my life worrying about what people think. 

You lectured me for being cold and emotionless and untrusting and I went and trusted you with everything, only to have you completely betray me.  From this I used to think that you had scarred me irreversibly—that I would never let myself trust anyone again because of you…but instead…  I know what it’s like to lose everything, and I lived through it, so instead of beating myself up every time I trust someone and get let down, I’ve decided it’s better to fucking get hurt than to never feel anything at all.

You convinced me that I was so fragile and that I needed your protection—now I know I don’t need the protection of anyone.

You tried so hard to fix me and made me believe that I was in need of fixing.  All the times you made me feel guilty and ashamed of the way I am made me realize that I will NEVER AGAIN apologize for who I am or for doing what I want.  I tried so hard to make you proud of me—now I know that I need to answer to no one.   

The worst part is I LET YOU GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING, and worse, I thought it was all my fault.  I will never forgive myself for apologizing so much to you.  And i will never do it again.

Instead of breaking my spirit or making me bitter, you have made me stronger and more at peace with myself than ever before.  In addition, you have showed me everything i don't want in another person. 

...so....thanks. 

Currently Listening Make the Clocks Move By Kevin Devine see related

*sunrise, sunset*

i am drowning...

and the sad part is, it's all self-imposed.  i'm tired about worrying about things that don't matter.  and i'm tired of always second guessing my actions.  and feeling capable one moment and utterly helpless the next, for no apparent reason.  in the grand scheme of things, i know that the little things don't really matter, but it's really easy to lose sight of this when your carefully constructed and meticulously planned world seems to be falling apart...

i had a nightmare last night for the first time since i was a little kid.  of the you-wake-up practically-screaming-and-can't-fall-asleep-for hours-because-you're-too-afraid-to-close your-eyes-variety.   how effed up is that?  i think it's symbollic.  life scares the shit out of me lately.

just get me to the beach already, so i can forget crappy grades on midterms, shady yet mysterious individuals, guilt, etc (and live it up with my fellow blondie, who always makes me feel better no matter what)

Sunrise or sunset
You’re either coming or you just left but you’re always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It’s a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There’s no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won’t know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it’s true, the trick is complete.
become everything you said that you never would be.
You’re a fool...

*bright eyes*

Currently Listening Fevers & Mirrors By Bright Eyes see related

*i've seen nights without sleep, days without daylight*

bah!  insomnia sucks!!  so does midterms week.  both of which are upon me at the moment...splendid.  and here i was thinking that i'd left my lack of sleeping ability in rome, where it sort of made sense that i couldn't sleep.  but life here is perfect, or darn well near it.  it doesn't make sense.  could it be that i am under-stressed??  is it that my poor lil emo head doesn't know what to do without something substantial to worry about??  do i now have to worry about not worrying?!  arghhhhhhhh.  life is so complicated!  why did my brain not come with a) an instruction manual and b) an on-off switch??

Currently Listening Stranger Than Fiction By Bad Religion see related